Separation of Sex and Love

Our thoughts and feelings.

To us it has been really important to put into words our thoughts and feelings about being swingers to clarify what it means for our relationship with each other – and what it means for our relationship with others. It has also been important from day one that we both agreed on how we wanted our swinger adventures to happen, so that every adventure became a shared – and always memorable – experience. 

We have never had trouble separating love and sex, but we have spent a lot of time talking about how to approach it and how to deal with each other’s boundaries. 

It is not that we haven’t had a short crush on someone absolutely amazing and good-looking within the swinger environment – most swinger does. However, to us, love is something very unique where you enjoy each other through ups and downs, and where you can enjoy each other without constantly having to perform something “extra”. To us, love is when you can feel safe and open without being afraid to say or do something wrong.

On the other hand, sexual and physical attraction is a short-lived play where you allow yourself to succumb to the natural urge to be charmed by someone other than your own partner. These desires may well be strong and at times develop into a minor crush – and flirting might cause tensions. We have tried to deal with these problems with reason. As singles we were very sexually active. We enjoyed the affirmation we got when having sex with multiple partners and loved the excitement of meeting new people that you could flirt and play with. For these reasons, it seemed completely wrong that we should stop this behaviour when we became a couple: our desires did not stop just because we had found the one and only.

How to start safely in the swinger environment?

If you are new to the swinger environment we will always advise you to be with other couples. It helps to create a greater sense of security by knowing that the partners you are sexually active with have the same intentions as yourself.

When playing with singles as a couple, it requires a lot of confidence in both yourself and your partner, as you invite another man or woman into the play. Now it’s no longer about having one person to play with, but about being together on satisfying one party in the relationship. To avoid feeling outside you need to have a good sense of self-confidence, as you will initially see the person you have invited into the play as a competitor and start comparing yourself to him / her. This is a completely natural reaction that will occur the first few times you try it but over time the feeling will disappear and you can start focusing more on satisfying.

Is there a difference between sex with a random person and your life partner?

To us, there are certain kinds of sexual activities that turn us on, but which we don’t want to share with our life partner. Especially when talking about hard domination, where there are certain boundaries we don’t want to cross with one another, but which we like to explore with others. Similarly, we explore sexual activities with others, such as anal, that one of us dosent  like to practice in our own relationship.

We believe it has strengthened our relationship that we don’t go around dreaming about something that one of us would like to try out, but never get a chance to try in our own relationship. In a swinger relationship we can go off together and live our fantasies.

What do we get out of sex when there is no love involved?

The quick answer is: the same as a “one night stand” when we were single.

Although there is no love in play, we often experience a wild passion and at the same time a “rush” experienced when we are intimate with people we don’t  know. These feelings are incredible strong sexual drivers, and when we as a couple play with these feelings it becomes a shared experience that only makes our relationship stronger and more fun.